Come, Spirit of Awe and Wonder
fill this place with the
light of wisdom
the light of amazement
JOY
COMES
WITH
YOU
Fill our hears with such love
that we are incapable of
any act save the act
of spilling that love into
the lives of all we meet--
inexhaustible love that falls,
golden drops,
wherever our feet take us.
AMEN
Sunday, September 1, 2013
New Year, 2012
New year. Same place. Different. Things. Change. 2 weeks in the toes of the central Rockies--time back home in Denver spent with family, friends. Renewed by those golden bands that stretch as far as the farthest reaches of creation and yet draw me back into the deep love, connection, refreshment and renewal. After a very difficult semester, and a year since my last trip home, this time home was just the anodyne for exhaustion, depletion, discouragement, and a serious case of "the glums".
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Settling in
Wow. This is a thing, this getting settled in and acclimated to Chicago and to being back in school. I'm beginning to get something of the rhythm of studying and being in class, have 2 jobs (total 18 hrs/wk), and am getting my fanny kicked by Greek. That's the class where grief happens, but I'll get it. No quitting, no failing. Plenty of help around to get my head unlocked to assimilate that stuff.
Getting settled into the new city is turning out to be harder than I expected. Missing everyone, of course, the mountains, the weather, the altitude and the deep blue sky. I knew that there would be a considerable adjustment, I just didn't expect it to be as challenging as it's turning out to be. Life, I suppose. Miss Molly-the-minpin sure helps!!!
The upside, and it is a huge upside, is that darned near everything I want or need is withing easy walking distance. Wonderful vet 3.5 blocks away, 2 wonderful markets, 3 book stores, restaurants, a co-op ATM where I can make deposits to my Bellco account, and another in the same co-op group that's 2 blocks away, no fee. What isn't handy? Target, DSW and Coldwater Creek! Target, bummer. The other two? Probably just as well!
Getting settled into the new city is turning out to be harder than I expected. Missing everyone, of course, the mountains, the weather, the altitude and the deep blue sky. I knew that there would be a considerable adjustment, I just didn't expect it to be as challenging as it's turning out to be. Life, I suppose. Miss Molly-the-minpin sure helps!!!
The upside, and it is a huge upside, is that darned near everything I want or need is withing easy walking distance. Wonderful vet 3.5 blocks away, 2 wonderful markets, 3 book stores, restaurants, a co-op ATM where I can make deposits to my Bellco account, and another in the same co-op group that's 2 blocks away, no fee. What isn't handy? Target, DSW and Coldwater Creek! Target, bummer. The other two? Probably just as well!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Moved
In very many ways. Moved in. Moved by kindness. Moved.
The house is unpacked. Only the computer desk is still in pieces.
The Molly-dog is settled.
We know much about the neighborhood.
And one of us is still pretty well overwhelmed by all this.
And, that's ok.
The house is unpacked. Only the computer desk is still in pieces.
The Molly-dog is settled.
We know much about the neighborhood.
And one of us is still pretty well overwhelmed by all this.
And, that's ok.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Saturday night
Next to last night in Colorado. Colorfilled place. Mountains that have been my home, the backdrop for my life for 33 years. Living at altitude. I decided I wanted a black canvas Carhart duster. To go with my red western hats. To go with my red cowgirl boots. A little bit of western attitude to take to the shores of Lake Michigan.
Having a full day with Dad, quiet evening sharing the living room with the Bronco's game and Cloverfield (if you haven't seen it, don't bother), the last one in the real world for a while. Hoping for some more face time with my son tomorrow.
Being away from my loved ones is most difficult. And I remember objections raised by folks who were very directly and clearly invited by Christ to follow--I must bury my father, I must see to my mother, I must finish my business, I must........and the harsh response - let the dead bury their dead....and I think that the crankiness wasn't about the specifics of the objection but the fact that these attachments were impediments, reasons to turn down a magnificent invitation. Did those who chose to lay down their nets and follow sever ties with those they loved? Likely not, tho' their loved ones may well have severed ties with them. No, family members formed a good part of the network that supported Jesus and all those who followed him during the short course of his active ministry.
And, thinking of that, I know that the invitation to follow Jesus doesn't mean dropping everyone, walking away. It means untying the attachment, not the love but the attachment. The Buddha speaks over and over of attachment as the thing that keeps us from spiritual growth, from enlightenment, from Nirvana. So I accept the invitation, untie the attachments, and move into this new adventure detached. Detached yet held grounded and centered by the golden, elastic ribbons of love that connect me eternally to all those I love who love me.
Thank God for such gifts. Thank God.
Having a full day with Dad, quiet evening sharing the living room with the Bronco's game and Cloverfield (if you haven't seen it, don't bother), the last one in the real world for a while. Hoping for some more face time with my son tomorrow.
Being away from my loved ones is most difficult. And I remember objections raised by folks who were very directly and clearly invited by Christ to follow--I must bury my father, I must see to my mother, I must finish my business, I must........and the harsh response - let the dead bury their dead....and I think that the crankiness wasn't about the specifics of the objection but the fact that these attachments were impediments, reasons to turn down a magnificent invitation. Did those who chose to lay down their nets and follow sever ties with those they loved? Likely not, tho' their loved ones may well have severed ties with them. No, family members formed a good part of the network that supported Jesus and all those who followed him during the short course of his active ministry.
And, thinking of that, I know that the invitation to follow Jesus doesn't mean dropping everyone, walking away. It means untying the attachment, not the love but the attachment. The Buddha speaks over and over of attachment as the thing that keeps us from spiritual growth, from enlightenment, from Nirvana. So I accept the invitation, untie the attachments, and move into this new adventure detached. Detached yet held grounded and centered by the golden, elastic ribbons of love that connect me eternally to all those I love who love me.
Thank God for such gifts. Thank God.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Moving on
Today, the movers came and emptied my storage unit. Most of the stuff lived there for a year. Last year around this time, I left my home, stashed my stuff and moved in with my father. While this decision came as the result of long-term unemployment that led to me losing my home, it has proved to be a glorious time. I have settled down, relaxed, and enjoyed sharing domicile with my father. Richness unexpected has derived from sharing time and space, food and coffee, television, and simply sitting quietly with laptops where they belong. Companionable silence--such a gift.
Today, the movers came and emptied my storage unit. Most of the stuff lived there for a year waiting, as I was waiting, for the next thing to happen. The next thing came, expected/unexpected. I was accepted into McCormick Theological Seminary's MDiv (Masters of Divinity) program. I leave Monday for the windy city, stuff in a really big truck, one of my pups in tow, my sister sharing the front seat with me.
This seems to be the culmination of a long period of hardship, sadness, uncertainty, loving, learning, sharing, growing, enlarging, becoming. Becoming. Curious concept. We learn that we are to work, study, grow up and become something. Become something then be that something to the end of our lives. Our concept requires becoming something and staying that something. I have begun to experience with vivid clarity that live is a process of endlessly becoming-----becoming more compassionate, becoming softer, becoming more willing to care, becoming stronger--enough stronger that a show of strength is no longer necessary. Becoming.
And so I embark on the next thing. Often the "next thing" is perceived to be a new page. In this case, the next thing is a new life. As I have embraced my calling to God's service in ministry, I have been led to understand that, having said yes to the call, the rest is inevitable. I know that this is what I was created for. I know this is what I am meant to be and to do. And, I know that this most particularly demands the eternal process of becoming because we are the endlessly created and recreated creature of God, gift from God to those we know, those we love; gift to the world gifted by God for God's own purposes.
Embarking on the next thing. Leaving at "home" my father, my son, my siblings and all my blessed and beloved friends. Our conversations now will be long distance, our shared meals and cups of coffee will be webcam and Skype--long distance. Leaving "home" to learn what it is God has asked me to learn so that I can be God's servant, manifestation of God's grace, flesh-bound presence of God upon the earth.
Please share my walk as I share it with you. And, please share your walk with me.
Today, the movers came and emptied my storage unit. Most of the stuff lived there for a year waiting, as I was waiting, for the next thing to happen. The next thing came, expected/unexpected. I was accepted into McCormick Theological Seminary's MDiv (Masters of Divinity) program. I leave Monday for the windy city, stuff in a really big truck, one of my pups in tow, my sister sharing the front seat with me.
This seems to be the culmination of a long period of hardship, sadness, uncertainty, loving, learning, sharing, growing, enlarging, becoming. Becoming. Curious concept. We learn that we are to work, study, grow up and become something. Become something then be that something to the end of our lives. Our concept requires becoming something and staying that something. I have begun to experience with vivid clarity that live is a process of endlessly becoming-----becoming more compassionate, becoming softer, becoming more willing to care, becoming stronger--enough stronger that a show of strength is no longer necessary. Becoming.
And so I embark on the next thing. Often the "next thing" is perceived to be a new page. In this case, the next thing is a new life. As I have embraced my calling to God's service in ministry, I have been led to understand that, having said yes to the call, the rest is inevitable. I know that this is what I was created for. I know this is what I am meant to be and to do. And, I know that this most particularly demands the eternal process of becoming because we are the endlessly created and recreated creature of God, gift from God to those we know, those we love; gift to the world gifted by God for God's own purposes.
Embarking on the next thing. Leaving at "home" my father, my son, my siblings and all my blessed and beloved friends. Our conversations now will be long distance, our shared meals and cups of coffee will be webcam and Skype--long distance. Leaving "home" to learn what it is God has asked me to learn so that I can be God's servant, manifestation of God's grace, flesh-bound presence of God upon the earth.
Please share my walk as I share it with you. And, please share your walk with me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Nigh onto a year later, words. Shortly after that post, I did indeed have to give up my home and would have been homeless had it not been for the graceful heart of my father who took in my 2 little dogs, my antique cat and me. I had to find a home for my 3rd dog because Dad just couldn't accommodate the boy who was pretty darned bark-y. He went into the arms of a woman who has a huge heart for animals, a profound love of dogs particularly, and no other dog to deprive him of primary lappage. We all landed safely. That in itself is a miracle in view of the fact that so many of us have landed in homeless shelters, living in cars (for as long as it was possible to keep them), on the streets.......I lost my car as well, by the way.
Last July into August was a very bleak period of time--no earning prospects outside the yard work and that season winding down--and a desperate sense of failure. My situation differs from the experiences of so many because, at that last critical moment, I had a net to catch me. Many stars have added to my father's already nicely adorned crown.
It took no small effort to begin to regenerate, and that regeneration began when Dad found an opening in a hotel (owned by the same people who own the hotel where he looks) and insisted that I go and apply. I did, and found myself awash in a sea of goodness that has gone a long way to heal the damage done by the circumstances of the ending of my last job and the intervening period of unemployment. Is this the greatest job in the world? If you absolutely love the hotel industry, you bet! If you like people, then it's a pretty good gig, too. If you want to earn enough money to adequately sustain yourself independently, then not so much. What I have found there, that outweighs the goofy hours and low rate of pay, is grace. Graceful people whose primary concern is focused on staff and guests. Graceful people who are sufficiently comfortable with themselves that they are able to truly honor talents, abilities and the effort expended by staff members. Graceful people who have reminded me that I have value, have great gifts to offer, am worthy of respect, and that they respect all these things not just in me but in all the other staff members as well.
Healing comes from odd places and, if one is receptive, at just that most despairing moment when healing seems out of reach; when one is convinced of one's absolute unworthiness. Healing comes from simple kindness, respect, acceptance, recognition of competence. Healing comes, often, out of simple, quiet functions--healing comes at last when the bitter end of one's last rope is rubbing a blister in one's palm. My palm was blistered and bleeding and another hand reached to lift me up again. We toss around, with glib glee, God's presence and saving grace--shallowly and tritely--and wall ourselves away from that presence in our very difficult moments when we think we have it all in hand and believe that we are the authors of our destinies, the masters of our lives able to handle every contingency by ourselves. I have been plopped down on my rump with control over very little, learning graphically and somewhat painfully what relinquishment is. I have learned that I can do a handful of things on my own, and I am learning exactly what I have charge of and what I do not have charge of. My bit is small. God's bit is not. Walking a relinquished life being mindful of the division of labor and allowing course corrections when necessary.
Out of all this, I am at last on the road to seminary. I start school in September, leaving for Chicago on 8/23. This whole process is a vivid example of that I can do and what I cannot do. I can fill out applications, have interviews, fill out more applications, do writing samples, fill out more applications, wait; learn that others are working on my behalf to secure things like housing, wait; learning that what I expected in some of this process may have to be shifted, wait; finding that what I wanted as an optimum situation was what I was getting, give thanks; fill out more applications and questionnaires, wait. There is a pattern here. Do the little things and wait on the will and workings of God. Only through relinquishment can this process play out well. Continuing to wrestle the reins back just messes it up.
Living a relinquished life is apparently an eternal process, life affirming, enriching, fulfilling, and troubling. It means walking hand in hand with a very special friend who talks this walk with anyone who is willing. It means understanding that I belong to God, as do we all, not that I have an exclusive contract--that God does not belong to me.
More will come as I finish my "stuff" here in Denver, winnow through belongings - what to keep and what to jet - saying farewell to family and friends (leaving behind my father and son is no easy thing), to my community of faith and to a host of other folks whose presence has been of great importance. Next steps are to settle into my McCormick student apartment, learn the rhythm of life in seminary, the climate in Chicago (OMG!!! A few minutes ago--on the weather channel--temperature 88 degrees, feels like 96!!!), the pace, the altitude, the taste of the air, the wet country plants. After that---3 years of study, gladness, aggravation, doubt, uncertainty, shared community, learning and heaven knows what else. One of my pups goes with me, one has been claimed my Dad who has simply fallen in love with her sweetness--she reciprocates.
Please be mindful in your own lives and doings about relinquishing. Be mindful of kindness extended to you and be intentional about extending kindness to others. Do not expect anything from the effort. Just do it because it's right and let the result be--out of your hands.
Last July into August was a very bleak period of time--no earning prospects outside the yard work and that season winding down--and a desperate sense of failure. My situation differs from the experiences of so many because, at that last critical moment, I had a net to catch me. Many stars have added to my father's already nicely adorned crown.
It took no small effort to begin to regenerate, and that regeneration began when Dad found an opening in a hotel (owned by the same people who own the hotel where he looks) and insisted that I go and apply. I did, and found myself awash in a sea of goodness that has gone a long way to heal the damage done by the circumstances of the ending of my last job and the intervening period of unemployment. Is this the greatest job in the world? If you absolutely love the hotel industry, you bet! If you like people, then it's a pretty good gig, too. If you want to earn enough money to adequately sustain yourself independently, then not so much. What I have found there, that outweighs the goofy hours and low rate of pay, is grace. Graceful people whose primary concern is focused on staff and guests. Graceful people who are sufficiently comfortable with themselves that they are able to truly honor talents, abilities and the effort expended by staff members. Graceful people who have reminded me that I have value, have great gifts to offer, am worthy of respect, and that they respect all these things not just in me but in all the other staff members as well.
Healing comes from odd places and, if one is receptive, at just that most despairing moment when healing seems out of reach; when one is convinced of one's absolute unworthiness. Healing comes from simple kindness, respect, acceptance, recognition of competence. Healing comes, often, out of simple, quiet functions--healing comes at last when the bitter end of one's last rope is rubbing a blister in one's palm. My palm was blistered and bleeding and another hand reached to lift me up again. We toss around, with glib glee, God's presence and saving grace--shallowly and tritely--and wall ourselves away from that presence in our very difficult moments when we think we have it all in hand and believe that we are the authors of our destinies, the masters of our lives able to handle every contingency by ourselves. I have been plopped down on my rump with control over very little, learning graphically and somewhat painfully what relinquishment is. I have learned that I can do a handful of things on my own, and I am learning exactly what I have charge of and what I do not have charge of. My bit is small. God's bit is not. Walking a relinquished life being mindful of the division of labor and allowing course corrections when necessary.
Out of all this, I am at last on the road to seminary. I start school in September, leaving for Chicago on 8/23. This whole process is a vivid example of that I can do and what I cannot do. I can fill out applications, have interviews, fill out more applications, do writing samples, fill out more applications, wait; learn that others are working on my behalf to secure things like housing, wait; learning that what I expected in some of this process may have to be shifted, wait; finding that what I wanted as an optimum situation was what I was getting, give thanks; fill out more applications and questionnaires, wait. There is a pattern here. Do the little things and wait on the will and workings of God. Only through relinquishment can this process play out well. Continuing to wrestle the reins back just messes it up.
Living a relinquished life is apparently an eternal process, life affirming, enriching, fulfilling, and troubling. It means walking hand in hand with a very special friend who talks this walk with anyone who is willing. It means understanding that I belong to God, as do we all, not that I have an exclusive contract--that God does not belong to me.
More will come as I finish my "stuff" here in Denver, winnow through belongings - what to keep and what to jet - saying farewell to family and friends (leaving behind my father and son is no easy thing), to my community of faith and to a host of other folks whose presence has been of great importance. Next steps are to settle into my McCormick student apartment, learn the rhythm of life in seminary, the climate in Chicago (OMG!!! A few minutes ago--on the weather channel--temperature 88 degrees, feels like 96!!!), the pace, the altitude, the taste of the air, the wet country plants. After that---3 years of study, gladness, aggravation, doubt, uncertainty, shared community, learning and heaven knows what else. One of my pups goes with me, one has been claimed my Dad who has simply fallen in love with her sweetness--she reciprocates.
Please be mindful in your own lives and doings about relinquishing. Be mindful of kindness extended to you and be intentional about extending kindness to others. Do not expect anything from the effort. Just do it because it's right and let the result be--out of your hands.
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